Email Exchange
by NikkieSheepie
Summary: A collection of emails found on the Torchwood database relating to various subjects. One Shots
1. Coffee Machine

**Disclaimer:** Anything Torchwood belongs to RTD and the BBC.

_One shot dribbles. A selection of emails found on the Torchwood database relating to a variety of subjects._

* * *

Coffee Machine

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** All

Right, now that Tosh has fixed the glitch in the email system (thank you a thousand times) lets get back to business.

Who broke Ianto's coffee machine? Come on guys, you all know that the coffee machine is sacred and no-ones hands but Ianto's may touch it. Own up now or he is threatening to serve you all decaf until the culprit is found.

Jack

*******

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Please tell the teaboy that no matter what the girls say I had nothing to do with the stupid coffee machine breaking. I haven't been within 6 foot of his precious baby.

*******

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Sorry Jack, I've got no idea who broke Ianto's coffee machine. When I came back in after lunch yesterday there it was in pieces. The only person around other then Ianto was Owen I think. Don't tell him I said so.

*******

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To:** Jack Harkness

It's not a problem fixing the email's, I think it broke after someone tried sending a huge attachment through. Doesn't matter, its all sorted now.

As for the coffee machine, I have no idea who broke it. Owens the most likely culprit since he barely knows how to turn the computers on.

*******

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Owen Harper

Are you sure Owen? It's just that you have a habit of breaking things around here and the girls both deny having anything to do with it.

Oh, and Ianto says its coffee-boy, not teaboy.

*******

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Alright, I may have possibly tried to make some coffee but it's his fault that it broke seeing as he won't allow us to keep any instant coffee in case of emergencies. I needed a caffeine fix and Ianto wasn't around. Not my fault.


	2. Truth or Dare

**Disclaimer:** Anything Torchwood belongs to RTD and the BBC.

_One shot dribbles. A selection of emails found on the Torchwood database relating to a variety of subjects._

* * *

Truth or dare?

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I'm bored, how about we have some fun?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

Depends what you mean by fun, there's no way I'm spying on Jack and Ianto in the office again. I can't look at those two the same way now.

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Well, I was thinking something along the lines of truth or dare.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

Fine, but you go first. Truth or Dare?

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Dare.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

Go and ask Ianto for a cup of tea.

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I hope you're happy, teaboy was about ready to rip my head off at that suggestion.

Truth or Dare?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To: **Owen Harper

Truth

**From: **Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

God you're boring. Alright, what do you think about Tosh, Ianto and Jack's love lives?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

That's more like gossip then truth or dare Owen. You're turning into a Girl!

Tosh: she's still cut up about the last relationship she had but I think she'd got her eye on someone.

Ianto: well there's obviously something going on between him and Jack, dunno if you'd call it a love life though. Definitely going at it like rabbits.

Jack: …Do I really have to answer? Smooth talking so and so can get anyone he wants into bed!

Truth or Dare?

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I am not turning into a girl, I just couldn't think of a question without an obvious answer!

Dare.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

Go listen into Jack and Ianto's conversation.

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

That's it. I'm going to go disinfect my ears now.


	3. Song and Dance

Email Exchange

A sample of Torchwoods emails on various subjects

Song and Dance

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Toshiko Sato

Can you help me with this computer program, I'm clicking the right buttons but its not doing what its supposed to be doing… please?

***

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To:** Owen Harper

Alright, give me a few minutes to finishing programming.

***

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

Guys, can you two hear someone singing?

***

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Is that what it is? All we hear is some sort of humming, we assumed someone had music on.

***

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

Nope, definitely singing. Is Ianto around anywhere?

***

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

He went out for more coffee supplies about five mins ago.

***

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Owen Harper

You HAVE to come see this. Jack is singing and dancing in his office! He has CCTV in the office right Tosh? We have to get a copy of this!


	4. Show But Dont Tell

**Disclaimer:** Anything Torchwood belongs to RTD and the BBC.

_One shot dribbles. A selection of emails found on the Torchwood database relating to a variety of subjects._

* * *

Show but don't tell

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

Come here please.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Why?

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

Coz I've got something I want to show you.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

I'm not falling for that one again, the answer is no.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

Ianto Jones,

Your boss (me) is requesting your presence in his office right now.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Or what?

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

Or I'll fire you.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Yeah right. As if.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

Please?

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Can it wait 10 mins?

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

If it must.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Alright, 10 mins. But keep your trousers on this time.


	5. A Scientific Experiment

**Disclaimer:** Anything Torchwood belongs to RTD and the BBC.

_One shot dribbles. A selection of emails found on the Torchwood database relating to a variety of subjects._

_**A/N**_ Huge thank you to all my reviewers/favoriters/alerters (They're words now :P) your reviews keep me writing!

_**Written for a friend after a conversation following her toast randomly burning after she looked away for just a second.**_

* * *

A Scientific Experiment

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

What were you doing with that toaster earlier?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

A scientific experiment. Its alright, I cleaned everything up afterwards.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

May I ask what the experiment was?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Toast

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Toast?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Yeah, toast.

Have you ever noticed that when you toast bread it takes ages to do anything then as soon as you turn your back its burnt to a crisp?

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Yes, but how is that a scientific experiment?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Well my theory is that when bread senses you have turned your back it spontaneously combusts. So I decided to test it.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

And?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To: **Jack Harkness

Nothing. I didn't manage to prove a thing.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

This is worth investigating Gwen. I have long wondered about the secret life of toast.

Spontaneous combustion.

Landing butter side down.

We need a scientific brain in on this. I'll get Tosh to give you a hand.


	6. Birthday Surprise

**Disclaimer:** Anything Torchwood belongs to RTD and the BBC.

_One shot dribbles. A selection of emails found on the Torchwood database relating to a variety of subjects._

_**A/N** Again thanks for any reviews, favorites and alerts on my story._

* * *

Birthday Surprise

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Toshiko Sato

What's Jack's taste in music?

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Dunno, why?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Toshiko Sato

I wanna buy him a birthday present.

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To:** Gwen Cooper

It's his birthday?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Toshiko Sato

Well, no, I don't know when it is. But still, we can make it his unofficial birthday.

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I'll have a look through his system files and see what I can find in there. Ask Ianto to see what he can find.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Toshiko Sato

Good idea. Thanks

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To: **Gwen Cooper

Sorry Gwen. I couldn't find anything. Perhaps we could get him something else. A new coffee mug?

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I found a music player in Jacks office when I was tidying. Well hidden so we can assume it's his. There's a right mix of stuff on here, old and new.

Most listened to; Michael Buble, Vera Lynn, Elton John and Abba

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Ianto Jones

Thanks Ianto. You're certain about the top listened to artists?

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Positive.


	7. Colony

Email Exchange

A sample of Torchwoods emails on various subjects

**A/N** A strong possibility of a crack fic here, either from me or **Ringtailed-Sheepdog**

* * *

Colony

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

I just got back from the archives, down in the far corners. I think there was something down there. You haven't let any pets loose recently have you?

***

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

There's a couple of outerspace mice down there but that's it.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

It wasn't mice. Sounded far too big for mice.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

They are a bit bigger then average earth mice. More like rats I guess.

***

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Still too big. Besides, there was no squeaking or scurrying. Just scraping noises, slightly metallic it anything.

***

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

Alright, I'll go have a look in a minute. Just gotta finish some paper work.

***

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

You're doing paper work?!

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To: **Ianto Jones

Yes, shut up about it or I won't go check on the scary noises.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Sorry, it's just a bit of a shock.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

I found your creatures Ianto. We gotta get this one sorted. We've got a colony of them down there.

*******

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

What would they be exactly?

***

**From: **Jack Harkness

**To:** Ianto Jones

Clothes Hangers.


	8. Choking a Smurf

**Disclaimer:** Anything Torchwood belongs to RTD and the BBC.

_One shot dribbles. A selection of emails found on the Torchwood database relating to a variety of subjects._

_**A/N** Again thanks for any reviews, favorites and alerts on my story._

* * *

Choking a Smurf

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** All

Alright guys, time for a little quiz. I want you all to do your best.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

How long is a piece of string?

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Is this seriously part of the quiz? Double the length of half of it.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Toshiko Sato

When did time begin?

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To:** Jack Harkness

That depends of your views of time. Some people would say that time began when god decided it would begin, others when humans decided to start counting.  
Wait, is this part of the quiz Jack?

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Owen Harper

What colour does a Smurf turn when you choke it?

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Jack Harkness

You are kidding me right? The girls said this was stupid but that's just taking the biscuit! Apart from Smurfs not being real, I've never tried choking one so I have no idea! Maybe a nice shade of deeper blue?

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To: **Ianto Jones

Why is something lost always in the last place you look?

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Jack Harkness

Are you bored sir? I'm sure there must be a weevil to chase somewhere in Cardiff…

Because you stop looking once you've found it obviously. Unless of course you forget what you're looking for halfway through looking like Owen does.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** All

You've all done very well but I'm proud to announce that there's a hoix just been reported in the kebab shop we collected one from two weeks ago.


	9. What it means to be Welsh

**Disclaimer:** Nothing but these emails belong to me... blah blah blah... you know the story

**A/N:** HUGE appologies for the REALLY slow update, I've had the curse of writers block and exams to contend with. On that note, I'm having trouble with ideas so any ideas you'd like to see me do then send me a mail or add it into your review.  
Thanks for all your reviews and most of all your patients!

This is a slightly themed email, watching Dr Who 'The Hungry Earth' and 'Cold Blood' will make this make more sense but its not essential.

* * *

What it means to be Welsh

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Jack, I've just been looking over the stuff that fell through the rift the other day and found something mentioning the Silures. I done a Google search and all I could find were Roman accounts of Celtic activities.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I'll get Ianto to give you a hand on this, my histories a little bit sketchy around the Roman period. I'll get him to check the archives.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Gwen Cooper

The Silures were a Celtic tribe who roamed around in the south of Wales until the Romans came along and made them all Roman. Venta Silurum was the old name for Caerwent meaning 'Market place of the Silures'.

That's about all I can find out which is of any possible use to you really.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Ianto Jones

Thanks Ianto. There's nothing in the archives then?

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Nope, nothing at all other then some interesting artefacts found at Caerwent during the digs. Turned out it was just space junk anyway.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I knew I'd heard of the Silures before, we had dealings with them when we built the hub. They weren't keen on us digging down so far for the hub. Took quite a lot of persuasion for them to go back to hibernation again.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Ianto just told me that they were the Welsh Celts.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To: **Gwen Cooper

Welsh Celtic lizard people, with bad tempers.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Jack Harkness

Watch it Jack, I'm native!

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Gwen Cooper

So you are. Better get Owen to check you and Ianto are human then.


	10. Squeak Squeak

**Disclaimer:** you know the drill by now.

**A/N:** Inspired by the events occuring this morning at a sleepover at my friends house where the airbed occupied by one of the fellow sleepover-ers...(its a word now!) squeaked everytime she moved as it rubbed against the chest of draws beside it. Since I was dozing at the time the squeaking seemed almost constant and conjured this in my mind.  
Obviously having friends with very dirty minds they immeditely giggled when I told them of the inspiration recieved and I'm sure many of you will be able to work out what the first thing to run through their minds was! (You never know, I may use the idea somewhere later one)

* * *

Squeak, Squeak

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** All

Tosh has asked that you guys are as quiet as possible today so that she can make sure some super duper programme she's created works properly. Obviously there's a limit to how quiet its physically possible to be but please no silly business (Owen).

_Sent via Torchwood handheld system_

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Jack Harkness

How long have we got to be quiet for? All day!

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Owen Harper

Yes.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Toshiko Sato

Is there something squeaking by you? Maybe something in the computer?

**From:** Toshiko Sato

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I can't hear anything, sorry Gwen. Must be something near you? Check the fan on the computer.

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To:** Ianto Jones

Can you hear something squeaking? I asked Tosh and she said she couldn't but then she's so engrossed a weevil playing bagpipes could probably sneak up on her.

**From:** Ianto Jones

**To:** Gwen Cooper

Thank you for that mental image Gwen.

I did hear something when I took the coffee round, it was loudest near the workstations. Happy hunting!

**From:** Gwen Cooper

**To: **Owen Harper

Can you hear something squeaking?

**From:** Owen Harper

**To:** Gwen Cooper

I think you need a hearing test love. There's nothing squeaking. Come see me first thing tomorrow. Provided we're allowed to breathe again that is.

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Owen Harper

Owen! Stop squeaking your bloody chair! I can see you from in here.

_CCTV imagining shows Owen Harper swear under his breath before gesturing rudely at Jack Harkness's office._

**From:** Jack Harkness

**To:** Owen Harper

I saw that too Owen. Go clean out Myfanwy's nest or something useful. And before you ask, no you may not take any chocolate with you.


End file.
